|Finding comfort on Alysia's shoulder in North Carolina. We stayed at her's and her partner's home in North Carolina, in a beautifully and meticulously decorated bungalow - with a screened in patio and a yard with chickens and ducks and two incredible dogs who loved us and taunted us, respectively.|
|Arrow, a gorgeous rescue pup, cuddled with me in Alysia & Dante's NC Home|
|When we finally got to New Orleans, we were greeted by an intense, dramatic sky.|
|Our first night out in New Orleans, at Cane & Table with our friend Lauren Lagarde|
|The heartbreakingly beautiful French Quarter|
|Somewhere around the Marigny.|
|More beauty in the Quarter|
|The love of my life.|
For the last 10 days I've been on an emotional roller coaster.
I'm a true Taurus; I feel a lot and I feel intensely. Even in the moments of glee and excitement and utter joy as I joined Ali in moving her life down south for the next year-or-more, there was an underlying sadness to the whole experience. At the end of the 10 days, after driving thousands of miles, and seeing old friends and making new friends, and falling in love with the charm and pleasantries of the south, after settling into a new home off of Nashville Street (how cute and appropriately southern), and after finding the perfect upholstered floral wingback chairs, after all of that - I knew I'd be coming back to our home - alone. It was really hard not to feel intensely sad as we held hands walking through the quarter, or as we were waking up together on a Tuesday and knowing I'd be waking up alone on a Wednesday. She talked about skype and I burst into tears; I don't want to only see my girlfriend on Skype.
I got in late last night, and our apartment was dark and empty and the thermostat said it was 89-degrees. Our cat, Lily, is still on Long Island, and our puppy, Francoise, is at training school in New Jersey, (yes, really. It's like finishing school for dogs, and after her two week program, we'll be getting her ready for cotillion and then her debutante ball). Our home felt empty and static and dead. I usually find so much peace when I walk through the front door, but last night I could barely find the energy to turn on the lights or lock the door or flip on the air conditioner to create a more livable climate.
I know we will be fine, because we love each other more than we've ever loved anything, because we have more trust than I've ever felt in my life, because we know the distance is temporary, because we're so lucky and privileged to have the means to keep seeing each other over the next year, because I'm sure she's my soul mate. And I know how lucky we are to have love in our lives and know that we're there for each other no matter what, (even if we're not here, or there). But it still feels so monumentally hard. So, please forgive me if I'm a little more emotional than usual.
My goal is to channel my energy into new, healthy habits and make the most of our time apart. I think that both of us are trying to make way for "self-improvement" while we're together, rather than devolving into unhealthy habits as a way of coping. It would be really easy for me to turn into a night-owl party monster, but I think the thing that makes me happiest is being up early and having a productive day and soaking up as much of the sun as possible.
Also: I want to take a moment to discuss why I've decided to open up about my personal life and relationships on my otherwise fashion-focused blog. For one, I miss having a space where I can write in a reflective way about my how I feel; for a long time, LiveJournal was that outlet - and there are days where I really miss it! And secondly, and more importantly: for practically my entire life until fairly recently (like, end of college recently), I was living under the false pretense that I would not find love, or could not be loved because of the way I looked. I was taught, in a very literal way (though I know my parents love me unconditionally), that the world would not view me the same way that they did, and that I likely would not find a partner until I changed - and that was the key, to find love, I had to be different than I was. This was probably, honestly, a harder thing for me to deal with internally than how to "come out." I think the feeling of being undeserving of love is a common experience among women (and people, in general) who don't fit the very narrow beauty ideal. So, here I am: talking about the love I have and experience and feel in a really abundant way.